thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize