I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
