Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
