The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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