mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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