I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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