please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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