her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
