I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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