So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
