to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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