i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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