I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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