HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
