Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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