Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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