she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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