Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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