you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
