On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize