you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
