"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
