I faked an abortion last night.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
