I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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