Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
