I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
