remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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