Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
