dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
