saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
