He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
