I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
