The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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