I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
