I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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