i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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