I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
