Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
