My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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