What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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