can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have post one night stand depression
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
