i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
