I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
