it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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