I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
