I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
