I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
