I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
