If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
