He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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