weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
