Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
