you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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