those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
