God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
