im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
you never un-have a 4some
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
