Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
